This was me when I first heard about companions:

I shall have one companion and name him “Pool Boy.”  My second companion shall be “Cabana Boy.”  They can wear skimpy clothes on my starship whilst doing all the crafting making pretty clothes.  My starship, incidentally, will be called “Njessi’s Sweatshop.”

Hey, a girl can dream.

Imagine my disappointment when I learned that you can’t name your companions.  Apparently, they have back stories and personalities of their own and aren’t just my minions.  I suppose people would abuse the ability to name companions, but I’m so disheartened by no “pool boy.”  I probably can’t dress them in Speedo-equivalents either.  So. Sad.

Now, kiddies, I was wanting eye candy here not, ahem, anything else.  Romance option?  Lame.  I just don’t know where to begin with the lameness of this.  Like a cyber blow up doll.  Maybe if you make googly eyes at your companion, it will send a clear “fuck off” message to would-be cyber-humpers, in which case, I will immediately marry whichever companion I see first, even the wookiee.

And speaking of the wookiee, what the fuckcrap is up with the complete and total hotness of the currently revealed female companions with the absolute fugliness of the male companions.  8 sample companions are up on the official site, 4 male, 3 female, and one droid.  Not one suitable specimen for a speedo-sporting cabana boy.

Oooh la la. Hey baby, you sure you don't want that "Romance Option?"

 

You know you're in trouble when the wookiee is the best-looking one. For the love of Pete, I don't want to see ANY of the above in a Speedo.

Granted, the companion preview set my mind at ease (somewhat) since there was at least one Speedo-ready male featured.

I question the hair, but otherwise, he will do.

Not that I have to have the prettiest boy companion of all time, but it’s the principle of the thing.  I know there will be 40 companions, total, and it will probably even out the field somewhat.  But for the purposes of the 8 current sample companions on the website, it seems geared to an audience of mostly (teenage) boys will want to hang out with hot chicks or males that don’t threaten to be more attractive than them.


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Companions and Why I Can’t Have a Pool Boy — 2 Comments